Although there is debate whether the credit (or blame) should be given to Oprah Winfrey or Michael Sheen, there is no question that Americans are more concerned than ever with their spiritual sides. And a large part of the phenomenon has been the increasing popularity of angels, spiritual guides who many believe either praise God and play harps, or provide venture capital for Silicon Valley start-ups. We sat down last week with the angel Gabriel, in town for a stone-rolling competition.
Angels seem to be everywhere in the media these days, on the best-seller list, in the movies, on greeting cards. How are you dealing with your new popularity?
Not well. The truth is, we're bitter. A lot of people have made a lot of money on this deal. Do you want to know how big a taste the angels are getting? Not so much as a thin dime. Zilch. But try telling that to the IRS, or the headwaiter at Le Bernardin.
Why haven't you cashed in?
Can't. The company won't allow it. They're very strict. Look, I won't lie, the wages are great, much better than the wages of sin. Health and dental are magnificent. But the non-disclosure agreement makes Diddy's look chatty by comparison. Our union, the International Brotherhood of Winged Messengers, has been fighting this, but the funds are all tied up in escrow, and I'll probably never live to see a cent of it.
So you can't tell us what it's like to be an angel?
No, no, I can't. But I can tell you what it's not like. It's not like a bunch of clouds and harps and choir practice. It's more like Vegas, but without Wayne Newton.
What's a typical day like for you?
We do a lot of praising, a lot of singing. It's not really that different from touring with "Up With People", which I did for a year, by the way. We used to depend very heavily on Bach's Mass in B Minor, but we've really gotten into Amy Grant's back catalogue now, and "Don't Worry, Be Happy" is one of the big guy's favorites. Bobby McFerrin is one of us, in case you didn't know.
But aren't you in constant battle with the forces of evil?
During working hours, yes. But after five, the forces of evil definitely know the best places to party. We don't let our rivalry get down to a personal level.
What's the number one misunderstanding about angels you'd like to clear up?
I'll tell you what bugs me. This whole question about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. You hear ten million, fifty thousand, ninety bajillion. That's not right at all.
So what's the correct figure?
Six.
Six?
Six. The truth is, most angels can't dance any better than Elaine Benes. A lot of us are Italian. We can sing like angels, but we can't take three steps without tripping on our robes. You don't develop a great sense of rhythm singing Gregorian chants. The Clancy Brothers, they got into Irish clog dancing a few centuries back, and they can do "When Irish Eyes Are Smilin'" on the head of a pin. It's not exactly pretty, but it's better than Dancing With the Stars.
So how many angels are there, exactly?
Not nearly as many as before the cutbacks during Covid. Downsizing was hard on middle management in heaven, because your average angel can't handle much more than some heavy hosannaing and writing email jokes about the cherubim. Those aren't really marketable skills in today's economy, unless you're willing to work for Elon Musk.
So tell us. What's God really like?
Jerry Springer. He's just like Jerry Springer. He loves to get a bunch of people together and push their buttons till they're hopping mad, then he sits back and acts like he had nothing to do with the chair throwing. Jesus is more like Richard Simmons, but we won't get into that.
Is it true that every human has a guardian angel?
Guardian angel? No savvy.
An angel who keeps watch over you night and day, keeping you safe from temptation.
Is that what you call them, guardian angels? We call those guys parole officers. Life got a lot easier in the Holy Office when we transferred those guys to the planet.
Well, is there anything humans can do that angels envy?
I have a real weakness for Armani suits. The line is just incredible. But with these shoulders? Forget it.
By the way, we noticed that your own wings are not really all that large.
I'm in moult, OK? Is that alright with you?
Sorry.
The worst part is, I have to take commercial flights this time of year, and I can't always get a business upgrade.
Are you planning any more personal appearances soon?
Oh, sure. This week alone, I'm appearing to six different virgins in Chicago to let them know they're pregnant. Immaculate Conception is still a very important concept for Catholic girls, especially around prom time.
Do you have any advice for people trying to get into heaven?
Do make advance reservations. And don't try name-dropping. The number of people who tell me they know Dolly Parton personally is staggering.
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